by J. Michael Terrett
Spiritual Leader, B'nai Chayim/Children of Life Fellowship
Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
www.bnaichayim.com

Have you ever just wanted to throw in the towel and get an honest job? I once told a class of grade eight students that substitute teaching helped me understand why some species eat their young - and there have been times in ministry when my stomach has rumbled in the same direction!

On the 20th of Iyyar in the second year after the Exodus, the camp of the House of the Lord was ready to begin their journey to Canaan and, despite the wonder and glory of the hovering presence, far too often they reverted to their motley crew mentality.

This ground breaking first departure must count among the most memorable moments in the history of our people. Unfortunately, almost immediately, things started to go wrong and Moses, who was already so stressed with all that went into getting things ready for the move, actually became suicidal; only he wanted the Lord to pull the trigger (11:15). Sadly, what follows in this portion is the beginning of the end for a generation of rebels who crossed the line so many times that they could neither go forward into the land nor backwards into Egypt. Oddly enough, I think I have also just described the quality of spirituality many of us deal with daily, and this is the side of ministry that ain't pretty.

Despite the best teaching and preaching and counseling and exhortation, it is most often the lack of dynamic spirituality among the members of our flock that stunts and divides our communities and also tries to stall and sidetrack our movement. Probably next in line in its negative ministry impact is what mental health professionals have described as clergy burnout. Too many of us try too hard and work too hard. We try our best to be effective at pastoral care, but few of us seem to be as adept in our efforts at self care.

In my own case, I have just come through a long period of illness, only to discover that now I also have a potentially life-threatening blood clot in my right leg. Added to this mix, are a number of families and individuals in crisis and a father-in-law who may be going into palliative care - and a new grandchild who will arrive any day now.

The funny thing is that I do not want to quit and I do not want the Lord to pull the trigger. I know the Lord will take of the Spirit which is on me and raise up others who can bear a burden which both He and I admit is too big for me and for any of you who are reading this.

This does not mean that I expect that things will suddenly turn around and that ministry will begin to become any easier. What it does mean is that we need to keep our ministry in perspective and balance the glory of His presence - both the Shabbat/Festival kind and the still small voice variety - with the burden of the stinking, fractious smelly sheep we are called to care for.

Please do not assume that I am saying that at the same time I do not also have a core of precious folk who stand with me and whose kindness is much appreciated. But ministry will always be a minefield of possibilities which can never be consistently relied upon to give us the support we are called to provide it with.

If we do not want our ministries to consume us to the point where we would gladly welcome being the recipient of the pulling of the trigger, we need to build stress reducers into our lives and not neglect either our own spirituality or our connection to our friends and family in a non-ministerial context.

It is true that we are on call 24/7 and there are times when we have to intervene when we have nothing left to give in terms of emotional spiritual energy, You can give both 2 Cor. 6:3-10 and 2 Cor. 11:20-33 a read to understand the dark side of ministry.

However, if we ever feel that we are the essential centre of the camp, upon which the eventual success of our ministry depends, we have fallen into the conceptual fallacy that nearly did Moshe in. At best, we are only one of the channels through which He works, Our ministry remains what He is doing in our lives for us and not what we think we are doing in other people's lives for Him.

The Lord answered Moses' celestial suicide note in way his father-in-law would have expected (see Exodus 18), and not in the way Moses was hoping for. The Holy One intervened in the camp and caused the ministry burden to be shared by enough people that Moses could get some much needed lawn chair, margarita time.

From a close reading of the text of chapter twelve, it may have been that it was shortly after the pouring forth of the Holy Spirit in chapter eleven that Moses took some of this down time. Suddenly, without any preamble, he takes another wife from among the Cushite contingent of the camp (Numbers 12:1).

We are not told whether Zipporah is dead or not, but even with the best * shadchen* working overtime, these things take time - especially since the materials for a written ketubah were not easily come by in the wilderness!

So, here we have Moses taking a step back from his busy schedule and paying attention to some aspects of his personal life he may have been neglecting. The joyful response of his faith community was astounding - not!

Given the socio-cultural context of the day, I am not sure we could argue that Miriam and Aaron's disapproval had anything to do with any racist scruples. With all there was to do to keep the camp functioning smoothly and on some kind of schedule, their kid brother had to go and waste time and energy on family concerns!

In Canada, there is a comedy network whose logo speaks of "time well wasted." While I often wish that some of the stand-up comedians had remained seated, I understand that one of the most productive ministry strategies involves taking regular time off to let off steam and work on personal life issues.

Unfortunately, being busy often helps us to feel important and we fall into what some sports medicine people call an adrenal addiction - which is the inability to feel good unless we are pumping at full speed. We may even turn into a Messianic version of that evil governess who says: "Go and find out what those children are doing and tell them that they mustn't" - and even perhaps a version of that mean spirited visiting relative who is always saying: "Isn't there something you could be doing to help your mother?"

According to passages like Matthew 11:28-30, Isaiah 30:15 and Psalm 127:1, 2, always busy and usually tired are not the enduring signs of a dedicated, mature disciple. Most leaders live on a lonely pedestal, under a constant and frequently unforgiving scrutiny, where even potty breaks are frowned upon.

Moses may have been the most patient man on the face of the earth (Num. 12:3), but this special strength of character should always be reserved for the work of the ministry and not for those who would unfairly take our personal lives to task.

There is a big difference between the level of accountability all leaders should be held to and the intrusive meddling into which even members of our extended family are liable to fall.

Our people need to see us hard at work and hard at rest and not working ourselves into such a frazzle that we are constantly running on empty and are always on the verge of coming apart at the seams.

Ministry is both intoxicating and also, potentially, one of the worst drains on spiritual stability and healthy growth.

May we learn to make self care as high a priority as the ministry we are called to, because, without it, our long-term effectiveness will only be short-term.