When I teach or counsel about forgiveness, this is a question I hear more than any other: How do I forgive myself? I’ve searched the Scriptures for verses on forgiving yourself and can’t find any. You can repent (with God’s help) and you can receive God’s forgiveness, but you can’t forgive yourself.

And realizing this fact can be liberating, an essential step in the right direction.

Now that my title got your attention, I’ll let you know this message isn’t about non-binary gender identity. Instead, it’s about looking beyond the usual binary reading of Isaac and Ishmael to bring out a dimension of the story that’s of special importance to us, particularly as we approach the Days of Awe.

The great Rabbi Nachman of Breslov put it this way: “The world is a narrow bridge and the important thing is to not be afraid.” Afraid of what? Afraid of falling off onto one side, or one extreme, or the other.

In August of 1967, The Young Rascals recorded their fourth Top Ten hit, How Can I Be Sure? The chorus echoes in our thoughts as we traverse the month of Elul in preparation for the Days of Awe. “How can I be sure, in a world that’s constantly changing? / How can I be sure, where I stand with you?”

This week’s parasha, Ki Tetse, begins, “When you go to war against your enemies.” The realities and assumptions of the ancient world are expressed in this statement from God by the mouth of Moses. Notice it says “when” and not “if.”

The Bible calls us to be perfectionists. Its understanding of perfectionism, however, is quite different from that of the world in which we live. In the Bible, a perfectionist is one who walks blamelessly or wholeheartedly before Hashem.

Idolatry is one thing that God would not tolerate, the quickest way to threaten the covenant relationship with him. Even the former places of Canaanite idolatry were to be destroyed. God did not want his beloved people to be tripped up and have their lives ruined by idolatry.

There is an interesting connection of our parasha with Jacob. Ekev (ayin-qof-vav) is also part of Jacob’s name. His name more accurately means “May he (God) be at your heels,” as in your “defending rear guard.”

Tisha B’Av is upon us—the ninth day of the month of Av, commemorating the destruction of the Holy Temple. While I don’t relish a day of pain and sadness, performing a good cleansing tshuvah (repentance) is always in order. Being honest, however, the prevailing emotion I experience on Tisha B’Av is indeed one of pain.